I started to write a section here about how I was 9 and a half, and usually prefer sneakers, although boots do me fine in a pinch, when L told me that footnotes aren't even about feet. Talk about the English language! I asked her about the appendix, and she said that people who aren't qualified as doctors can do them too. It's a scary unregulated world we live in.

But she said that my writing style is quixotic, which I think means it is a high art form. That's why she said I need to give my readers these definitions.

- Livi


D The fourth letter of the alphabet, also known as Dylan by the secret service. I have friends in high places, mostly my kindergarten friend Tom, who liked to climb on the roof.

Disquali-rays Granted only to prison escapees from alternate dimensions, or else those with time travelling powers, this is an ability to adjudicate sports with nothing but the raw power of an eyeball.

Fairies Inhabitants of computers. All the wires are basically like telephone cables, that's how they speak to each other inside the boxes. The monitor is essentially a super-fast flipbook that's redrawn before we can blink.

Froyo Short for frozen yogurt/yoghurt/yoghourt, because nobody can decide anything in English.

Fourth, the L, the fourth letter of the alphabet. Elle.

Helga My gaming name. Mary, have you seen my helmet?

Instead Short for "home instead," which is where the word "homestead" came from.

La Cucaracha, the Mary. If you don't know what this is, ask her about it.

L The 12th letter of the alphabet, also my friend whose mother ate too many blueberries during pregnancy, permanently altering her hair color. The CIA tell me her true name is Elle. I don't believe them.

Oven of the Future Sometimes known as the microwave, this is my preferred method of cooking a meal, which I am also very capable of. Hey you, don't spit out your drink.

Rectoval The name I have come up with for the rectangular playing fields which the sporting crowds call an oval. I also flunked geometry, so I guess I can't judge.

Russians The nationality of the entire town of Sparrow Falls, excluding me and a kleptomaniac sprinter. Also D, but his identity is secret.

Sauntie Susan's auntie.

Samtsirhc Christmas in July.

Short Nap A certain Pantone tint of white. We shall not speak any more about this.

The Complex I have a complex. By which I definitely mean apartments.

Triathlon The Sparrow Falls sports festival thing, in which there are at least seventeen events.

Twelfth, the D-man, the Dylanator, crouching tiger, whatever you want to call him.

Whacking bread The type of bread certain celebrities use to fend off paparazzi. Long French sort of style. Includes baguettes.