PAIGE 95 - TOUR GUIDE LIVI

Good morning Class 9:15am, and welcome to the home instead. Here in front of you is the land belonging to goat-warden Sauntie. Behold goats A, B, C, D, E, F, and G, also known as Susan, Kingsley, Dylan, Rita, Elle, Mary, and Olivia. Susan is known for her fondness of coffee at arbitrary times of day, board games, hiking, and being a swimming instructor. Kingsley is known for being excellent at chess, acrobatics, flute, and lacrosse, another sport where you chuck balls at one another. Rita is known for her love of healthfood, wraps, teaching kindergarten, and singing. Elle is known for being the twelfth letter of the alphabet, eating copious amounts of blueberries, and staring at magazines. Mary is known for playing certain Mexican songs at high volume, loving takeout, and being unfairly excluded from basic luxuries such as a bed to sleep on. Olivia is a pretty well-rounded person who has incredible sporting pedigree, great coordination, and excellent athletic balance. Yes, that is all of them. Oh, by the way, I was talking about the people.

Behind the goat-hill is this famous instead, comprised of six rooms, a kitchen, and a living room. Outside the front porch overlooks the vast and scenic wilds of Sauntie's kids, and behind, you may look at the vast and expansive forest which nobody knows how far goes. On our far left, in front of the house, and to the side of the goat pens (they prefer fountain, usually blue ink) you may see blocks of wood perfectly split down the middle, and a pile of ash where some unfortunate human met the beam of a disquali-ray. Come closer to the house, here is the person known as La Cucaracha, she is an unfortunate pariah of her kind, whose tastes for Chinese food have never even once been granted. Here at the door, or actually beside the door, because if she was at the door you wouldn't be able to get out, she will be your personal door-greeter, and I have instructed her to go RING A DING A DING DONG every time someone enters, and DONG DING A DING A RING every time someone exits. You are welcome.

Now come with me into the house, in the entryway you may leave your shoes, or boots, or slippers, and then come into the living room, which is called that because it has no marimbas, fans, or honey. You can see how there is a big wooden table, and some pictures on the walls, and to the side is the kitchen, and some rooms where we place the letters D and K. Now as we go up the stairs you may find Pita eating a pita. See how she stops and blinks her eyes at us, and how one eyebrow inadvertently raises. This is the unfortunate outcome of a diet consisting of nothing but frisbee bread, notice also to her left the person known as L. Her real name is unknown, but in my CIA days that was what we called her.

Now let us return downstairs, here in the space where a marimba normally goes you will find the man called D, who is in cohorts with the woman named L. No, Kingsley, you may not leave yet, the tour is not concluded. See how he is tapping a pen. This is the outcome of having spent sixty years as an automotive mechanic, that he is currently imagining it is an Allen Wrench size 6 and three quarters. Allen still has no idea where his wrench is.

And now come with me into the kitchen area again, and let me give you a detailed description of the things herein. Over here you have a cupboard, where the food is stored, here a freezer and fridge, and over here the kitchen sink, that's how you know this place has everything. And last but certainly not least an appliance that has come to us from the future, known as the oven of the future. It is particularly known for being able to produce pyrotechnic displays on demand, froyo lids are especially recommended. However, here lacking froyo, in the cupboard see a box of sparklers? Yes, now what we do is set the timer to three minutes eight... hey, don't run away, the tour isn't finished!

- Livi.