PAIGE 82 - PARCELERY

Last night, for those of you who were wondering, I had half an onion, with marmalade, on remainders of last week's bread. I decided to caramelize the onion as I've seen the French chefs (yes, chef!) do on TV, so I said to myself, oui! and pulled out the wok, which still had remaining oil from the teriyaki episode. That wok I generously onioned, and turned the heat up. I cooked it pretty well. Very well. Really well. I made a mental note to tell my neighbors not to call the fire brigade, I just like my food cajun style. Then I toasted the bread, and marmaladed it, then proceeded with a generous onioning over the top. It definitely was an improvement on my slurpee slash steak pie hybrid when I was twelve. My Michelin stars improved to 1. The paprika I left in the box as it was hot paprika, and besides what was my alternate self thinking of buying HALF A POUND OF HOT PAPRIKA? Were they being attacked by interstellar bears or something? The thought left me quivering. Or maybe that was just my blood sugars spiking. I do like my marmalade spread pretty thick.

What am I saying. That around noon I was getting pretty hungry, and I said to myself ok Livi you're a big girl, these things in life happen, go out and get yourself a sandwich or something. But it terrified me for some reason, going out. For some reason in that moment I couldn't bring myself to turn the handle. I said to myself Livi get a hold of yourself. So I grabbed my elbows, and stopped quivering until I thought of Des, and I just went to bed.

Some time later, the door started saying my name again, and ringing. I said door go away. Actually don't go away, or I have no door. So I got up and opened the door. I expected to see L there for some reason, but she's been super crazy busy at work. Then I thought to myself wait she probably would have called. Then I looked at my phone. It was dead. But not frozen, which is a bonus, since it means I can just recharge it.

Then I realized the door was still speaking, actually it was Mark the parcel man, and he said Miss Paige, a parcel from Miss Paige. I said thanks, if you see Miss Paige can you please tell her to order me some submarine sandwiches with ham? And cheese. Lots of cheese. Mayonnaise is also good, but hold the pickles. He said oh sure um do you want me to repeat this to you next time I'm here? I said no, no, unless it's me with a pink shirt or something weird, or I start saying I like sport. No, actually in that scenario just immobilize them with your tape gun. I'm too tired for that anymore. He said sorry to hear Miss Paige. I said oh, sorry to keep you standing, thanks again for the parcel. He said no problem, then went off. As far as I'm concerned, Time Girl is retired, parcel man will have to be on the mark.

Well I was hungry. I said please be food. It was. In fact, it was so much food that it would last me three whole days, and maybe a half day. The problem was, it was all celery. Now I don't have anything against celery, apart from the fact that it's only one fourth of the food pyramid, or less. I am a balanced-diet girl who needs the rest of the pyramid, and especially the top bit they call sometimes foods. But apart from that it was an interesting parcelery. It was a lot of food, more than just a morselery. But how do I cancelery these random food orders? Nobody has offered me any counselery about this.

Sincelery,

Olivia Paige.