PAIGE 78 - PASSING THOUGHTS

How is it that his store can be there when he isn't? It felt so sure, so permanent, wasn't it? I thought I was going to work there forever. I thought he was going to be there forever. It just feels weird and wrong to think that his car and his house and his store are still here, but somehow he isn't, and what happens to his things? I know we're not things, but he felt like such a sure thing, like a permanent road marker on my life. Is that why I'm so sad? When I had started this blog, I never expected things like this to happen. People pass, but their things stay on.

Am I though having too much of thought about me? I mean he died with hope. In my mind's eye I can see him with a cross still around his neck. Then why does everything seem to have gone black? If I have hope, and he has got hold of that hope which I am only hoping for, why does it not feel that way? What do we hope for? I hoped for many things, I hoped for a happy life here, and to get to know people. Is that the problem? Why can't I get my head around the fact that Des isn't here anymore? I want to go to work today, but I can't. What is this? What am I doing?

I was washing plates just now, and was watching the water from the tap spill out over my hands. I tried to hold the water, but it gushed between my fingers and slipped out no matter how I held it or what I did. It was pretty late, and some rays of the sun went through my window, and sparkled in the water as it slipped away. And I stopped looking down, and saw another break between two great big clouds, like that ray I had seen some weeks ago now. And although I couldn't hold my thoughts together, and I felt like I was almost in pain, one thought did come to mind, and that's "he's past all of this now."

- Livi