I have become at last comfortable in my refurbished prison suit, with my disqualificator powers. The disquali-ray which beams from my eyes strikes fear into the hearts of the sport-loving Russians. Such is the account I bring to you today, O humble reader of mine, about the rowing event (third day) at Sparrow Falls reserve I adjudicated.
You see (that's how you're reading this blog) that when they grant me the whistle, they also grant me a peculiar power in addition to the ability to produce the disquali-ray, and that is the distribution of gold medallions. Now every person in this strange universe seems to have, in addition to a love for athleticism, a love for gold hung around the neck. I'm more partial to silver pendants myself, generally on a rope-type chain, but that's besides the point. You see, Russians will do about anything for a gold medallion, even participate in rowing competitions on the lake. But you see, after watching a few games, it gets pretty boring. I mean, it's a small lake, and all they do is go round and round. I did that pretty well myself when I was 12 at the fairground. So I said to them, this sport's pretty boring.
Well, that did it. They said WHAT? I tried to find a way to emphasize that more, but all the blog lets me do is put it in capitals and bold. So I said WHERE? naturally, because that's the next in sequence. They seemed to catch my drift, and shouted back WHEN? and I said NOW! Of course, one of them asked me WHY? and I replied, well because of course regular rowing is overrated, that's why I have invented land rowing. They then asked why on earth they would want to change their sport. I said to display your prowess. They laughed. I said for bonus gold medallions. They said oh ok then all right let's give it a go. But um Miss Paige what on earth is land rowing?
I'm glad you asked.
You see, there are two teams, each of seven people, six in each boat. You begin at a white line marked on the grass, and another white line is marked fifty metres away, also on the grass. Your aim is to reach the finish line before the other team, and as fast as possible, using only your oars. You may not touch the ground yourself. They said ok we'll do this for a medallion but we'll miss the sound of the water splashing, and the coolness. I said I know. That's why we have water balloons.
You see, that seventh person from each team stands on the sideline to drench the opposition. The aim is to distract them as much as possible from reaching their goal. Ideal methods include whacking the oar, especially the paddle part to dislodge it from an opponent's hand. Bonus points awarded for each oar knocked onto grass.
So it began. You are wondering how it went. Honestly, I don't know. It was too funny that I was crying.