One thing they never prepared me for in grade-school was being pursued by thirteen megalomaniacal multi-dimensional convicts disguised as referees. They think algebra and logarithms (whatever those are) will prepare us for the real world. In truth, my Scotch professor with a penchant for theoretical physics was the most practical help to me throughout the dilemmas of the last couple weeks. Haggises spun through my mind with centrifugal force. I considered what angle was necessary for an un-spinning needle to impart trans-dimensional centripedal force to close the spacetime rift and once and for all seal the referees into their respective dimensions. But what was I thinking? The Livis would have remained if I had done this. As I was running, I came up with the theoretical equation, by the reason of being theoretical, all the more practical, because they never expect highschool graduates to have to deal with quantum entanglement. That's the whole problem with the practical bent to things nowadays. They taught me how to sew, but they never let me use a quantum needle. My equation was as follows:
Y = 13R^4/LX(
Where R = referees, L = evil clones, X = number of said clones. The R was raised to the power of the fourth dimension, time. All this would tell me Y. I was content to leave who, what, where, and when out for the time being. This albegra stuff was hard, even for Time Girl. They had seen through the disguise of Bolivia Sage, after all they were no regular dimensional beings. They knew something that we mortals do not. Like how to kick a football without tripping yourself in the process. Or the mysterious ability to catch an incoming projectile with something other than your face. So there I was running, and untangling theoretical algebra while I ducked under a stop sign, leaving Mary at the mechanic's. Dylan, of all people, had been part and parcel! When he called to say there was some important things to go over for the Triathlon, I didn't expect he would have invited all the organizers, complete with the said escapees! They said oh at last there's Ms. Paige, we had hoped to talk to you. I knew better. Sorry Fairy, I said, my cover is blown, but they don't suspect you. I am in hot pursuit!
I considered some of the buttons on my calculator that they never explained. Clearly we were not meant to know. Among them was log, tan, and 'cos. I thought, here are the theoretical things they thought they could hide from us. Clearly those three buttons were not taught in order to keep us in the dark. But what does a log, and a tan have to do with spacetime? Just 'cos, I thought, it's one of these things that just is. I introduced the tan into my equation, substituting X for it. I figured, well lets put Livi with tan, and see if it resolves. But then I looked at my arms. It's true I'm a hermit. So I tried a log. Namely, I looked back at the referees, and then it hit me. But although it made for a good sitting-space, it did not resolve my equation. So I said, well, just 'cos. And then I could resolve it. Please follow as below:
Y = 13R^4/Lcos
Y = 13R^4/0 (because just 'cos is always not a reason)
Y = ERROR
I had tried to divide by zero. It all made sense. That was also how they were able to entangle the quantums. Because they had no sense. That was their mantra, repeated who-knows-how-many-times to rift-ify the spacetimes. Could I reverse the just 'cos's of the paradox? I stopped, stood up (the referees were coming after me, asked why I was running, multidimensional referees also appear to be sarcastic). In that moment I figured out how to use my powers of quantum entanglement, so unexpectedly given to me by the spider. I stood on the log. I said 'COS. And they all looked at each other and said oh all right fair enough, and eventually went away defeated, back to their realms I 'spose. I stood there on the log quite out of breath, and decided to never say that phrase again. Clearly I had been in some state of frustration when I first got the superpowers, and said 'COS about some trivial detail, and opened the vortex in spacetime.
I returned to the mechanic. The referees were not there. I said Dylan where are they? He said they were gone. I breathed a sigh of relief. They had vanished! The continuum was restored. I said "Dylan, I'm sorry for blaming you about this mess. Although I haven't told you until now, I had suspicions that you were in the referee clan." "Oh no I'm not refereeing." "Oh, I'm sorry then." "All good."
Phew! What a turn of events. I think Time Girl can finally retire, having done her duty. No more chaos need ensue so long as she refrain her mouth from saying that terrible word.
- Livi (formerly Time Girl)