Five to five. RING A DING A DING DONG. This can mean only one thing.

The Mary Effect (TM), known for unexpected dimensional shifts, marimbas, and two pounds of black pepper. I went to the door, and Mark my word it was the parcel man. However, his clone had disappeared, I assume back into the spacetime rift. I said hi Mark, how is the parcel industry treating you? He said fine, thanks. Then he gave me a parcel. I said did you open your Samtsirhc gift? He seemed lost in thought, then thanked me for the gift. I was glad to know he found some profound meaning in it.

So I went back inside and opened the parcel. It was a pair of gloves. I said hmm do I even want to know? So I went down to the garage and said hey Mary your parcel's arrived. She said oh good, can I see it? So I showed her the gloves. I said Mary, what on earth do you want gloves for? She said the opera. I said Mary, are you planning on being an opera star or something? She said Mom, I can be very dramatic, can't I? I said well yes, but... she said well I'll practise now. Can I have them? I said what, should I put them on your window wipers?

Lights, camera, action! Curtain draws back on a yellow car, opening theme song plays ("La Cucaracha") while spacetime rifts appear in the distance. Then ominous strings sound loudly as two salesmen appear with dreaded brochures and a large box. Mary vanquishes salesmen, only to accidentally open Pandora's box, which is of course full of ducks. Mary equips paint cannons, fights said ducks to the tune of car horns and kazoos. Scene closes with I Want to Wish You a Mary Christmas.

It's all getting a bit froyo. Yeah, I think I'll just stay home.

- Livi.